Now is as good a time as any...

Well, with New Years Eve just around the corner- I figured I would share my new years resolutions with all of you loverly people.
*This will also be the promised post where I explain my ED

Resolutions!

1. ORGANIZE- I know it's in there somewhere... but give me some more time, I've been working on this one for years. This includes, but is not limited to:
1.  Cleaning my room,
2. Purging my closet,
3. Purging all those school papers I won't need,
4. Following through;
2. PRACTICE- This is something I do not do enough. I need to dedicate a solid two to three hours a week to my voice- outside of classes and lessons;
3. EAT LESS, EXCERCIZE MORE- I really tried to make that one word... It didnt work. Sorry. But I really mean this one. I have felt like such a failure this past month or so, I feel fat and gross, and it is... well... gross. It's also depressing, to drop 2 pants sizes in a year, to run into your doctor at the store and hear her rave about how good you look-- and not feel it. I get waves of happiness, sure, but overall... it's just not ideal. This is how I can try to change that.

Next section: All About My ED
        *Before I begin, I DO NOT ENDORSE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIOUR. Also these are my experiences, and do not define everyone with an ED. If at any point you want me to elaborate on or define a term, post it in the comments. I promise I will get back to you. One thing I'v realised over the past year or so are the gaps between the ED community and... everyone else. I want to help bridge that gap.
So please: If you have any questions- ASK.

About four or five years ago I entered Jr. High. I noticed that many of the girls in my class began to act differently, through attitude, clothing choices... recreational activities. I knew that i did not want to do that. I did not believe in living a life that had anything to do with those particular choices. I continued to strive for high honor roll, participate in the advanced classes, ignore boys, and keep a conservative dress; to my teachers and faculty at school, I never spoke out. At the time, this was how I acted because I knew I did not want to be like them. I also had chosen my careear path (Opera) and knew that I had to work to obtain that dream.
Unfortunately, all the normal hormones that were causing the emotional and behavoiural changes in my classmates were also happening to me. At home, I began to go crazy. I was scuicidal. I self abused. There were highs and there were lows- there was nothing in between. I was drowning. I honestly felt that I was going to die in the very society I was raised in. Please, interpert that statement both literally and figuratively.
But then, one day, I threw up.
It had been after a terribly dark week and I remember that I wanted my mum to hold me- but I didn't know how to ask.
So I made myself sick.
It worked, by the way. She held me. but I also felt relieved. It was weird... when one is about to throw up (and they are actially sick with the flu or just ate something bad) their whole body just... knows. And it knows that maybe it will feel better after it gets rid of whatever is inside of its stomach.
A purge is like that for me.
Sometimes I binge, but most times I don't.
For the longest time, I had bulemic tendancies. When I felt a low comming, I would eat (Binge) as if to distract myself from the emotions. I began to purge less and less over the years for many reasons. (1) I had gotten my tonsils removed when I was younger and they cut out the vulva, (2) I want to sing opera. The acid from a purge caould wear away at my teeth and my vocal chords! I may have to teach! I try my hardest not to purge.
On a binge, I would usually eat junk food or sweets becuase when I was at a high point... thats what I ate. Think of Christmas, or Thanksgiving-- It's all about the desserts. Thats where the happy memories are.
So when I was depressed, I ate sweets, and self abused.
When I was happy... I ate sweets.
This vicious cycle began to die down during/ after freshman year. Then, Its was only on accasion.
The summer after freshman year I met a girl with an eating disorder
She was the first one I met, and to this day, the only one who has ever spoken honestly to me about it.
She had been anorexic for five years when I met her and had begun undergoing treatment.
I thought she was beautiful.
I though she was strong.
We both loved Shakespeare.
We both wanted to sing opera.
I wanted her in my life.
Strangley enough... My anorexic tendencies didn't begin untill about 6 months ago, in the middle of a bulemia relapse. I am afrain of Mia, I always have been. Mia could destroy my life... Ana will help me to better it.
In comparison.
In full confrentation of Bulemia, I downloaded a free calorie counter app and simply started restricting.
I hate my Intake to go above 1,000Cal, and prefer it to be closer to 500Cal
My app has a net calorie calculator, so it is an excercize diary as well, It does not calculate BMR into the daily count, and I like my calculated net to be in the negetives.
Calories in= Calories out.
My downfall, by the way, is cookies/ cupcakes, and salty/ sweet snacks: Chocolate covered pretzels, Reeces Peanut Butter Cups, Peanut M&Ms, Candied Nuts... Its reduculous.
I never fast for more thata 12 hours.
I have to eat, at least once a day, because I have PCOS and borderline diabeties/ Isulin Resistance... they cause each other
Ergo, I'm in a difficult spot.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I could not fine anyone else who had diabeties and had an ED.
Maybe this will help someone else one day.
I hope so.